BATTLES OF THE HEART AND MIND

First thing’s first I want to apologize because I’ve been neglecting this here blog for longer than usual and that’s because I’ve been going through a little getting my shit together the real world is not waiting for you phase. I’ve made some temporary plans, however, and I am back and ready to go.

I know this isn’t any big landmark of time like New Years or anything but I’m feeling a little reflective. I’m about to share some things with you people  because I would rather talk to the internet and collect stuff in my room than do real social interactions (I say as I sit at Starbucks across from a Tumblr-entranced Gaby).

This school year was rough. I was overwhelmed and I didn’t know what I wanted to do at all. I went into my freshman year at Georgia a pre-med major, which I switched to film studies, which i switched to mass media arts, which i switched to english. I’m one of those people who really just wants to try everything, and although they tell you otherwise, college is really not conducive to that kind of person. They keep you on this binding schedule and if you don’t fulfill this or that requirement you get off schedule and your future looks like a dark tunnel of shambles and doom. My mind is programmed to assume that rules and deadlines don’t really apply to me so the whole college thing really didn’t seem to work for me. I joined the school radio, then a fashion club, then applied for other things but nothing could keep my interest. I either didn’t get into the things I wanted or I joined and then hated them. I did everything right, but my grades ended up shitty, I was in classes I hated, and I didn’t really join any ambitious organizations. I got straight A’s in high school for the most part so this whole thing just freaked me out. Eventually I just didn’t go to class, didn’t want to do any work, and in the end, my GPA really paid for it (I’m not even going to tell you what it was, I am that embarrassed). My friends got fine grades and their lives were going right as planned, but for some reason it just wasn’t working for me, and that pissed me off.

06

Now I’m an English major, and I might add pre-med to that. Why? Because I have a self-sabotaging personality type and I can’t just do the easy thing. I have to constantly challenge and pressure myself academically even if I know the outcome will not be good. My mind is telling me to just take some English classes that I know I’ll ace and call it a day. I can do some study abroad and just have a chill college experience. But no. My heart is telling me to pursue the pre-med, fight through the sciences, the MCAT, the med school debt, the hours and hours of interning, the residency, and the sleepless nights to get to that shining end.  I would love to be a doctor. To prove that I really did make something of myself, that I didn’t get lazy and choose the easy route. That I worked hard and it paid off. But my mind is saying I’ll fail, I’ll mess it all up and have nothing. Do I take the risk of messing up my GPA more with harder classes, or do I go the easy way and take classes I know I’ll ace?

IMG_0046

The other half of me is like, spend your days and nights studying Shakespeare and Keats. Become a professor. Share your love of books and poems with kids and things like that. Maybe become an English teacher. Live on a shitty salary but live for art. I don’t know guys, it’s weird. I literally go so far on the spectrum in both directions. I love everything! I would be just as happy teaching English as I would be performing surgery. Why is that?? Why was I cursed with a fickle mind? I would be happy doing most anything, but is that a blessing or a curse? I wish I was passionate about something in particular. That would make things much easier.

Forever indecisive, I guess.

It’s not as bad as it sounds I’m just thinking out loud.

xo Miranda

(ps: photos taken in the lovely Greenville, South Carolina)

Published by

Miranda Feneberger

Miranda Feneberger

In the middle of an existential crisis. If you have one of those super long phone chargers can you send it to me?