BEAUTY INVENTIONS WE ALL NEED

Sometimes, I see a product that almost, ALMOST convinces me that the beauty world must have reached its absolute peak, wherein everything that could possibly be invented to make one more attractive has already been created. Today, I had one of those moments, when I encountered “Subtle Butt: Disposable Gas Neutralizer.” Yes, this really does exist, and it’s exactly what you think it is.

tumblr_l5vw10FWD81qbta2uo1_1280Other days? Ehh, not so much. Like any other human being, I could bitch and moan for hours on end about tiny “flaws” of mine, and the beauty products I wish existed to mend them. Seriously, sometimes I wonder if the fact that I’m 21 years old and still enduring acne is solid evidence that there isn’t, in fact, a deity above us. And now, without further ado, my other biggest “WTF BEAUTY INDUSTRY WHERE ARE YOU”s, the things I’d love to own on nights like these, when I’m ripping a flimsy piece of cloth off my nose in the vain hope of removing blackheads.

NOTE: As this post is a fairly obvious rant by the author, the stock photos chosen were picked solely for their high level of ridiculousness and hilarity.

Three-Month Topcoat

My name is Kate, and I’m addicted to chewing my fingernails into tiny little nubs until I’m nearly bleeding to death. For real, the only way I’ve somewhat gotten over this habit is by keeping my nails consistently well-manicured and polished. BUT GUESS WHAT STANDS IN MY WAY?! The fact that every promising Julep, Seche Vite and Sally Hansen that claims to procure a two-week mani actually lasts, oh, three hours without chipping. And, let’s be real, I lead a pretty sedentary life. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to only have to remember to polish those talons right before you pick up your next three rounds of birth control? And then you could throw a mini celebration of not being pregnant AND having an awesome new shade on your nails!

199634-nail-biting-is-ocd-behaviourFoot-A-Day Hair Growth Pills

Jesus christ, if I see another highly fabricated post on Pinterest about the mixture of olive oil, cocoa butter and horse sebum that I apparently need to apply to my hair to get it to grow more quickly, I might just end it all. WHY hasn’t this been invented yet?! I just cut my hair into a short little bob, and I love it, don’t get me wrong, but it occurred to me that I have a massive urge to wear my hair in a thick bun on top of my head tomorrow. And I should be able to do so without some terrifying salon lady tightening strands of fake hair into my scalp as I scream in terror, amiright? And then I could get a pixie cut the next day, and then have long layers the next, and then shave half my head the day after that… you catch my drift? We women – and men! – could get so much more creative!

super-long-hair-tbatytscA Whole New Eyebrow (to be sung to the tune of “A Whole New World”)

Alright, world. Throw me a bone. Back in 2003, when I was just 11, thin eyebrows were the THANG. Or, at least, styling them into oblivion was, and perhaps even removing them completely and drawing them on. Then along comes Little Miss Delevingne and all of a sudden, we’re all, “OMGZZ thick brows totally frame the face flawlessly!” (Side note: say that a hundred times fast). But, oh yeah, too bad eyebrows basically leave you forever after one torturous night with metal tools in hand, much like a bad one night stand. Wait, what?! Anyway, those babies don’t come back, and we’re all left with eyebrow pencils and growth serums galore. How ’bout we make a magical tonic that gets them back in seconds flat? Hmm?

goofy-faceSexathon-Proof Lipstick

As I lean in to kiss my boyfriend, he whispers sensually: “Wait… I don’t want to ruin your lipstick…” Alright, this is a MAJE problem. As a diehard feminist, I’m aware that products like lip color were ABSOLUTELY made to attract the male gaze. And yet… no lipstick can survive longer than my seventh grade self would go in a make out session. And don’t tell me to go buy a stain – oh, no. I’ve tried. Alas, that workplace miracle simply latches itself into my boyfriend’s beard. And a plus: if we manage to create a lip product that can survive a home run, we definitely won’t be getting it on our teeth either. Because that, my friends, is some serious bullshit.

MyCard_The_JokerNair, Advanced Edition

Shaving sucks. It takes way too long and is required all too frequently. But you know what’s even worse? Hearing about depilatories for the first time, and your brain immediately exploding into rainbows and puppies as you imagine – finally! – being able to slick a lotion onto your legs and watch as your hairs disappear. Fast-forward ten minutes: you’re huffing and puffing onto your legs, trying to cool them down as they mold into swollen cankles of irritation. No joke, I’m pretty sure every time I’ve attempted to use Nair, every single pore turned into a scab. Not cute. Can we make this thing real, please? Sincerely, the two weeks of my life I probably lose each year shaving.

Girls-TobiasWhat are you waiting for, beauty world?! CATCH UP.

What would YOU invent if you got the chance?

– KBF

 

Published by

Kate Foster

NYC-based writer. Beauty Assistant at Seventeen Magazine.