HALLOWEEN IS MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD, ya’ll. I rounded up some easy peasy Halloween costumes this time last year and I thought I’d continue the tradition. Here are my top 10.
SEXY DONALD TRUMP
Who doesn’t love a bigot in a tight dress? I know I do. Basically you’ll need a terrible blond hairstyle, a spray tan, and a tight dress/blazer combo. Bonus points if you insult women all night or bring a life-like diorama of a potential Mexico-USA wall. Play “Dream On” by Aerosmith whenever you enter a new room.
SPINELLI FROM RECESS
Spinelli is not a super hard costume. Red dress, leather jacket, beanie, combat boots. Done. If you want to be cute/clever, wear a “Hi My Name Is: Ashley” name tag under the leather jacket. Walk around like you own the place and regularly shit on the patriarchy.
A CONTESTANT ON CHOPPED
All right contestants, open your baskets. Literally all you need is an apron and a basket. Extra points if you carry around weird ingredients and a loudly ticking clock.
BEANS FROM EVEN STEVENS
There’s literally no way to wear this costume and have people know who you are. I guess wear a Beans-y outfit. Carry beans? Wear a Beans mask? If you dress up as Beans PLEASE send me pics. I will bow before you.
What you’ll need: Matching velour jumpsuit, sassy hat, attitude. Walk into a room and yell the lyrics of Gossip Folks at people. I’m not sure what they are and neither is anyone else so you won’t even have to do much research. When you can, incorporate choreographed hip hop dancing and lip gloss into the ensemble. WILLZESILLZOMEWILLZONEPLILLZAYDILLZAYDILLZUBBLEDILLZUTCH?
A personal favorite of mine. I personally recommend wearing all green, with a brown or black jacket and some sort of pit-like contraption near the midriff area. I would also recommend a button that says “Guac is extra ;)” Feel free to take creative liberties with this one.
GWEN STEFANI FROM THE HOLLABACK GIRL VIDEO
Easy, breezy, beautiful, no doubt. Black beanie, white cropped tank, cargo pants, and unnecessary body jewelry. A grungey makeup look always adds a little something special; bad lip liner- a must. Maybe incorporate a banana or cheerleading reference into the look.
Honestly not gonna give any guidance here. Please interpret as you wish.
Good ol’ PF. Consider the religious audience you will encounter during your Halloween experience before making this choice. Full pope garb recommended.
MERCURY IN RETROGRADE
My personal favorite. Wear something red and write “retrograde” somewhere on your body. Enter rooms and promptly destroy things. Ruin belongings, relationships, and humans. Steal peoples’ phones and inappropriately snap from them. Throw people’s drinks on the ground. Yell in the faces of the patriarchy. Interpret appropriately according to your local community & federal laws.
Halloween Costumes Not Endorsed By Miranda Feneberger
- Anything related to Despicable Me or the Minion franchise
- Pumpkin Spice reference
- Ceiling Fan
- Kardashian clan member
- Actual Klan member
HAPPY HALLOWEEN BITCHES